On Sunday night, right before bed, I read the December issue of Yoga Journal Magazine. On page 49, there’s an article titled Out With The Old by Sally Kempton. (Side note, this article also appeared online but the print version is more extensive). As I read the article, I felt something shift inside of me. I was very excited. The author uses a technique called recapitulation every New Years Eve, but I wanted to do it sooner. There is a full moon lunar eclipse on Wednesday. I wanted to do some sort of ritual using the moon’s energy. Tuesday night was perfect since my husband was going to be away and I would have privacy.
So what is recapitulation? The author described it as “a formal looking back at the greatest hits and flops of your recent past. In this process, you bring to mind any baggage you’re carrying and anything that could subtly be standing in your way of your intention.”
As I read the article, I started jotting down notes. I wanted to be sure I knew what to do. As I wrote, I added a few things that felt good to me. This is what I came up with, most of which came directly from the article:
1) Before you begin, have paper and something to write with. Make sure you have enough time for this ritual. You don’t want to feel rushed or disturbed.
2) Create a sacred space. You may want to light a candle or incense. You may want music. You may want to have a deity. I did this in front of my fireplace. I have a quite a few statues on my mantel place; I chose Ganesh and Virgin Mary and placed them by me. I also put on a Young Living Essential oil called Release.
3) Summon a feeling of loving presence and acceptance. You can think of a time when you feel truly accepted- by another person or nature. Then create a sense memory of the feeling of being and let yourself sink in the felt sense. You can also say out loud “May I feel how deeply I am accepted by the universe of which I am a part.” I called on my Reiki guides and turned on my Reiki energy.
4) Write down events, words and ideas that have a particular charge. Some may be positive, most will be negative. Write a few words or write the story of what happened, what you said or the person said. Describe your feelings- were you proud, angry, scared, ashamed?
Since I’m a big fan of using the moon’s energy in my endeavors, I also turned to newmoonmanifesting for inspiration. She wrote: “It’s a great time to create a ritual of releasing whatever emotions are highlighted and releasing them. This could be done by writing down what you wish to release and burning the list. With this exercise your intentions are released with the smoke for the Universe to assist you with resolving. Your intentions can include physical issues, emotional wounding, spiritual distress, fears, doubts, un-forgiveness, judgments, blame, etc. Ask your Creator for clarity in understand whatever stands between you and what you want.”
5) Read through your list. If there’s something that you need to apologize for or fix, write that down. Resolve to take any action to release the energy. Decide you will do your best not to make this mistake again.
6) Tear up the paper or burn it. Think “May these negative events, feelings and actions be dissolved and no harm come to any being because of them.” Burn the positive list with a wish that your accomplishments and positive acts will be of benefit to others.
7) Take a few minutes to watch the paper burn. How are you feeling now? Try to be open to see if you receive any messages or insights.
I typed all of this on Monday during the day. Then life took an unexpected turn. On Monday evening, I overheard my daughters talk about their Christmas list. My 9 year old wrote something along the lines of “Better food.” See, a few nights prior, they had a sleepover at a friend’s house. The mom is an amazing cook, the type that cooks pizza from scratch. Sofia loves her cooking and hasn’t stopped talking about it. I don’t enjoy cooking and I certainly don’t consider myself a good cook.
When I overheard that conversation, it did bother me but I pushed it aside, or so I thought. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It began to bother me more and more. In fact, on Tuesday night, I had to leave the dinner table to cry. I am not an emotional person. I don’t typically cry. I blame this on the full moon but that didn’t stop the tears. I told myself not to take her remark personally, that she is only a child. But my heart didn’t care.
After I got the girls to bed, it was time for me to do the ritual. I was no longer excited about it. I felt too sad. I forced myself to do it since I wanted to use the full moon energy and this was the best night for me to do it.
I printed out what I had typed and got everything together. I started writing down negative thoughts that I held about myself. “I am….” type of sentences. I cried some more. I prayed.
The most enjoyable part was watching the paper burn.
I was expecting a miraculous change but that didn’t happen. After I was done, I still felt like crap. When I woke up this morning, I still felt like crap. Maybe this is all part of the releasing process? I have no idea. I even got into a text argument with my husband.
This morning while I was on Facebook, I read newmoonmanifesting’s post: “Make a list of everything that you feel attached to, including people, things, events, feelings, agreements, and beliefs. Use today’s Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse to let go of the list and invite light in to replace it.”
I realized that while I had purged emotions, I hadn’t replaced it with something positive. Hello Reiki 101. After I dropped the girls at school, I went back to the fireplace. I cried some more. I kept telling myself not to analyze where these tears were coming from, just to let them out. I wrote down a few more emotions that I was feeling and burned the paper. Then I wrote another list. It was more of a plea, begging “Please help me…..” I burned that one too.
I left my living room, checked my email, and decided that I still had more to purge. So, I wrote more and I burned more. I felt complete. But still like crap.