Bittersweet

If you’ve read my blog in the past, you know that my mom passed away nearly 11 years ago.

I was on vacation with my now husband’s family during that Christmas. I spoke with my mom throughout my vacation. I mostly remember speaking with her on New Years Eve.  She told me she wasn’t feeling well, although she sounded ok. She told me she was going to the doctor.  I think she told me not to worry. I remember feeling panicked but also in denial.  I was sure she was going to be ok. I sort of remember her telling me there wasn’t a need for me to come home early but maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. My mom passed away three weeks later, on January 18th. (Side note: My husband’s birthday is January 14th and my brother’s birthday is January 24th).  So, the holidays have been bittersweet for me all these years.  I imagine what life would be like with her around.  Would I have made the same choices? Would she be giving me parenting advice non-stop? Would she be driving me crazy?

Since I have two young daughters, it’s not like I am miserable during the holidays. Seeing their excitement and happiness makes me really happy.  At the same time, I miss my mom a lot.  My in-laws arrive tomorrow for a weeks stay (Ganesha, please  help me survive!).  It just makes me miss my mom even more.  I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that my mom would probably be driving me crazy but it doesn’t work. Nothing works and nothing eases this anguish.

 

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