If you’ve read my blog in the past, you know that my mom passed away nearly 11 years ago.
I was on vacation with my now husband’s family during that Christmas. I spoke with my mom throughout my vacation. I mostly remember speaking with her on New Years Eve. She told me she wasn’t feeling well, although she sounded ok. She told me she was going to the doctor. I think she told me not to worry. I remember feeling panicked but also in denial. I was sure she was going to be ok. I sort of remember her telling me there wasn’t a need for me to come home early but maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. My mom passed away three weeks later, on January 18th. (Side note: My husband’s birthday is January 14th and my brother’s birthday is January 24th). So, the holidays have been bittersweet for me all these years. I imagine what life would be like with her around. Would I have made the same choices? Would she be giving me parenting advice non-stop? Would she be driving me crazy?
Since I have two young daughters, it’s not like I am miserable during the holidays. Seeing their excitement and happiness makes me really happy. At the same time, I miss my mom a lot. My in-laws arrive tomorrow for a weeks stay (Ganesha, please help me survive!). It just makes me miss my mom even more. I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that my mom would probably be driving me crazy but it doesn’t work. Nothing works and nothing eases this anguish.