The Green- Eyed Monster

This morning I opted to take the beginner class at The Bar Method.  I’ve been having a hard time with the Mixed level class and thought perhaps I had advanced a little too quickly. However, the beginner class was still freaking hard!  What is up with that?  I literally felt sick to my stomach.  Maybe I am not in as good shape as I thought?  My other thought was that I typically work out at 9:30 but it was only one hour later.  I dunno.

Before class, the little green eyed monster popped its ugly head.  No, I was not envious of everyone’s Lululemon pants.  I started chatting with a mom who I will call M.  I have seen M at nearly every class I have taken.  After a while, you see familiar faces and it’s quite nice.  Anyway, M is pregnant with her FOURTH child and her oldest is not even 6 years old yet!?!?!?  On one hand, I think she is insane (but in a good way) but I also felt very envious.  I always dreamed of having a large family although my dream consisted of 3 kids (two boys and one girl, I have no idea where that came from).

My youngest was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and it was a life threatening delivery.  Then she was colicky for the first year of her life.  She cried every. single. day. She would only stop crying if I was holding her or if she was in a sling.  I had postpartum depression although my doc also said it seemed like I had post traumatic disorder or something like that.  But I was nursing my baby and refused to take any medication.  It was a very challenging time for me.  I ached for my mom so freaking much.

Anyway, we all survived and here we are.  My youngest is 3 1/2 now and at this point, I cannot conceive (no pun intended) of having another baby.  But yet… and yet….  I still have that dream.

So, I felt very envious of M, pregnant with her fourth baby.  She also admitted her mom and her sister live very close by.  At this point in the conversation, I could have spit out green spit, I felt such envy.  I also felt a lot of joy and happiness for her.  She clearly comes across as a very patient and loving mom.  

I know myself well enough to be aware that I am not patient and if I did have another baby, I would probably have to be committed.  I *know* all these things, at least intellectually, but my heart is still having a hard time accepting it.

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3 thoughts on “The Green- Eyed Monster

  1. When my little baby is curled in my arms asleep and my 5 yo is drawing her quietly and looking at her with adoring eyes, I tear up and know that I could totally give birth to five more children at least. Pain, shmain.

    But then the little one wakes up, and cries for…what, who the hell knows. And the older one decides to throw a fit because she wanted the drawing to look like a photograph and thinks that somehow pulling on my apron strings so that I almost fall over with the crying baby in my arms is going to somehow magically make everything better, I realize that loving the children you have is enough.

    And if not, there’s always adoption. Or, even, befriend M, and babysit her kids for her during the day, this way you can give them back when they are sick or when you are tired.

  2. Thank you for writing. I can definitely appreciate your perspective. I try my best to enjoy my life and my girls. But there is always room for improvement.

  3. Pingback: Still Loving My Lululemon « Judiesjuice’s Blog

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