This morning I opted to take the beginner class at The Bar Method. I’ve been having a hard time with the Mixed level class and thought perhaps I had advanced a little too quickly. However, the beginner class was still freaking hard! What is up with that? I literally felt sick to my stomach. Maybe I am not in as good shape as I thought? My other thought was that I typically work out at 9:30 but it was only one hour later. I dunno.
Before class, the little green eyed monster popped its ugly head. No, I was not envious of everyone’s Lululemon pants. I started chatting with a mom who I will call M. I have seen M at nearly every class I have taken. After a while, you see familiar faces and it’s quite nice. Anyway, M is pregnant with her FOURTH child and her oldest is not even 6 years old yet!?!?!? On one hand, I think she is insane (but in a good way) but I also felt very envious. I always dreamed of having a large family although my dream consisted of 3 kids (two boys and one girl, I have no idea where that came from).
My youngest was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and it was a life threatening delivery. Then she was colicky for the first year of her life. She cried every. single. day. She would only stop crying if I was holding her or if she was in a sling. I had postpartum depression although my doc also said it seemed like I had post traumatic disorder or something like that. But I was nursing my baby and refused to take any medication. It was a very challenging time for me. I ached for my mom so freaking much.
Anyway, we all survived and here we are. My youngest is 3 1/2 now and at this point, I cannot conceive (no pun intended) of having another baby. But yet… and yet…. I still have that dream.
So, I felt very envious of M, pregnant with her fourth baby. She also admitted her mom and her sister live very close by. At this point in the conversation, I could have spit out green spit, I felt such envy. I also felt a lot of joy and happiness for her. She clearly comes across as a very patient and loving mom.
I know myself well enough to be aware that I am not patient and if I did have another baby, I would probably have to be committed. I *know* all these things, at least intellectually, but my heart is still having a hard time accepting it.